i'm choking
August 06, 2001, 09:11 pmI should be happy. I should feel a huge relief lifted from my shoulders. I should be excited that I'm moving into a much nicer apartment, in a much nicer neighborhood. But I'm not.
Instead, I'm crying for the first time in maybe years. Really crying, to the point that it's a bit harder to breathe... of course, that could also be caused by the incredible pain I feel in my chest; almost as if someone very heavy has been jumping on it all day.
Jerkface and I went to see these apartments that he likes today. They are so incredibly nice. The only drawbacks are that they're sooo far out. I keep trying to tell myself that they're so far out that I won't go out to eat all the time and that I'll end up staying at home to eat and maybe actually cook some fucking food! I think of all the money I'll save from not going out to eat in attempt to justify how much more I'll be paying just to live.
But what it all comes down to is this: I feel like shit because I know that my dad thinks I'm a fuckin' bonehead for moving out here. I know that if he were my age, he'd be living in some incredibly hip place right in the middle of things (Danzler Ct., anyone?) with lots of friends close by and... shit.
Now I remember the last time I cried like this... it was after my Freshman year at UK. I had such a great semester that Spring... great in that I had so many friends and had such a good time, but failed Calculus and got a D in Economics (which I was later teased about by the Dean of Computer Information Systems at UofL when I transferred... You got a D in Econ 101?!?). I came home knowing that I would get in so much shit. Yeah. They let me feel like such a fucking idiot. Such a fucking failure.
Just another of my failures as a cool kid.
It all boils down to this: Jerkface really wants to live here. He doesn't think that we'll find anything else and I agree with him; there just isn't enough time. He's kinda pressuring me about it, but unintentionally I think. My dad's also pressuring me. I almost broke down over the phone because he started speaking in that voice. That mocking, horrible voice that's so serious it makes everything I've ever done seem worthless.
But Jerkface really wants to move there. And I don't want to lose his friendship. I've known him for a long time and we've become really good friends. I owe a lot to him. And I know that if we don't move to another apartment together, we'll not really be friends anymore. Because we're both so fucking stupid. We'll go on, never bothering to email each other or irc or call on the phone or hang out. And I'll miss his stupid, jerk cat that gets hair on everything. And we'll miss out on each other's dumb videogame jokes.
I just can't lose my best friend. I think I can handle not kissing someone in over a year and a half and not having a serious girlfriend in three years, but I don't think I can take losing my best friend.