girl of my dreams
June 08, 2001, 12:15 amThe Kurt-Boss, Chris, and I were in the office late last week. We weren't really doing any work and were just sitting around talking about Chris wanting to have babies and Kurt's rough breakup with Alice when Kurt said, I would've liked to have had kids.
Not entirely understanding why he spoke in the past tense, I said, Yeah, Kurt. You'd make an excellent father.
Then Kurt talked about how he felt it was too late for him to have kids; he said, I'm forty now. I know that I'm not going to date anyone for a year or two and even if I found someone tonight to marry and have children with, I'd be 60 when my kid would be only 20.
It reminded me of that incredible Hayden song, Bad As They Seem:
What do I do this for
I've got to get out some more
Go down to the grocery store
Meet someone I adore
Someone to make me laugh
Someone to be my better half
Keep me warm under the sack
Share with me my midnight snack
Then Kurt asked, Where am I supposed to go to meet someone? the same question I ask myself all the time. And I got nervous that we were thinking the same things. And I thought, I don't want to be alone either. I want to have children too. What will I do if I don't find anyone by the time I'm 25? 35? 40?
I constantly debate with myself over the way people meet each other. It's all about looks. No one is going to go to a bar and see a heavy girl and think Oh yeah! I want her to be the mother of my children! And I can accept that I do want to be with an attractive girl (however shallow that may sound). But I feel sad that it has to be that way.
I feel haunted by Kurts words: I used to be the life of the party. I used to have so much more fun.